Tag Archives: Social/Emotional Needs

Emotional Intelligence and the Over-Excitable Gifted Learner

There are many times in my work with gifted students that the question of emotional intelligence emerges as well as the deliberation over whether a strong EQ is favourable over a high IQ and the influence one might have on the other. Teachers and parents will often comment on the intensity of emotions that they observe and wonder about their child or student’s emotional intelligence. This sometimes leads to a conversation around the over-excitabilities (of which one is emotional over-excitability) which are considered  gifted traits. So how do the over-excitabilities relate emotional intelligence, especially when it appears as thought the child is struggling with regulating their emotions?

Let’s start by defining emotional intelligence. In their seminal 1990 paper entitled Emotional Intelligence, Salovey and Mayer concluded that “emotionally intelligent people accurately perceive their emotions and use integrated and sophisticated approaches to regulate them as they proceed to important goals”.  They warned that people who do not learn to regulate their emotions “may become slaves to them” while stating a common ailment “may involve people who cannot recognize emotion in themselves and are therefore unable to plan lives that fulfill them emotionally.”(p.17)

Borrowing from this work, Daniel Goleman, brought the term emotional intelligence into popular culture and put into motion what the Harvard Business Review in the late 90’s called “a ground breaking, paradigm-shattering idea” and as such it has become embedded not only in our educational conversations  but business as well. One cannot help but see the imperative of engaging further in research that could potentially offer so much to so many and thus the field has since evolved to include new models and dimensions along with tools designed to measure EQ.  In addition to this, several programs to teach emotional regulation have emerged, including spark*,  The Zones of Regulation and SCERTS.

But what counts as a lack of emotional intelligence and is this an accurate descriptor for our over-excitable gifted students? If we look at it from the perspective of  an emotional dysregulation diagnosis, early psychological trauma, brain injury, bi-polar disorder and autism are just some of the some of the factors that could contribute to a variety of exaggerated and sometimes aggressive outbursts. How might this differ from our over-excitable gifted students?

To start with, many parents of my students have reported that their children are able to regulate their emotions very well…until they get to a place where it is safe to express them, when they get home. Understanding and having a “safe place to land” can make an enormous difference with these children and when they have decompressed, trying to find the source. Then there are those who struggle with the fact that others do not share the same emotional sensitivities or intensities as they do and are confused when those same others do not see or react to perceived injustices or slights. Sometimes these situations result in tears or rage, but often can be resolved when the situation inciting the reaction is acknowledged and addressed. I have found many children to be relieved when they realize that they might have a different emotional experience than others. There are also my challenging or twice-exceptional students whose emotional outbursts can be alleviated by appropriate curriculum, recognition of gifts along with supportive and understanding adults in their lives.

So do these examples show a lack of emotional intelligence or inability to regulate? We need our emotions to draw awareness to an unmet need and these examples show what some of those unmet needs might be. In fact, I often wonder if we were in a rush to regulate whether we might create additional stress if root issues are not recognized and/or addressed for what they are.

But then there are those, whose anxiety, perfectionism and complexity of emotions can be debilitating and interfere with their success. To support these individuals it is important to acknowledge the intensity of their emotions and how they might experience emotions differently. From there it is important to begin cultivating strategies to address how some these emotions are being manifested. Resources I have used and shared with parents and teachers include Sharon Lind’s article at SENG.org on Over-Excitabilities and the Gifted, as well as the book “Letting Go of Perfect” by Jill Adelson PhD, and Hope Wilson PhD.

But a good question might be whether or not we could all benefit from strategies designed to assist those who struggle with varying degrees of emotional regulation? Those who experience emotional outbursts aside, there may be a great number of individuals struggling internally who could benefit from strategies that are taught. Growing awareness and understanding around our emotions sounds like a good thing as long as we remember that emotions are complex and provide us with valuable information with which to negotiate our world. The teaching regulation strategies would need to acknowledge this. At present our school district is beginning to work with the Zones of Regulation in many of our classrooms and I look forward to seeing how it helps students and influences the culture of the classroom.

For more perspectives on Emotional Intelligence, follow this month’s blog hop at Hoagie’s Gifted or click on the icon below.

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Finding Your Community

There have been many times in my life when I really struggled to find community, longing for a place where I could feel like I “fit in”. Growing up on a farm close to a small rural hamlet I  experienced community as a double edged sword: everybody knew you and your family making it easy to find things to talk about and participate in a variety of activities with people you knew and there was a certain comfort in that. But it was also really difficult at to find people who had some of the unique interests and perspectives that I had which, despite the familiarity, could still feel lonely. So as quickly as I could, I left home to find “my” community. And here is what I learned on that journey:

  1.  One community may not meet all of your needs. I have heard many people express a feeling of being “let down” by a certain group because they thought because they shared one commonality, that somehow all their needs for acceptance and understanding would be met there. We are complex and evolving beings and we may be drawn to different communities for a variety of reasons. You may need to reach out to different communities to find who you are looking for.
  2. Communities can evolve and change. Sometimes a change in leadership,  direction, demographics or even a change in you can change the “fit” of a community. Sometimes it is a change that feels good but just as often it might be a change that feels wrong. Sometimes you stay because you are a part of this change and sometimes you leave because you are not: both can be equally difficult.
  3. Sometimes it will be up to you to create community. One of the most daring things you can ever do is to say “I see there is a need…is anyone with me?” It can make  you feel vulnerable and it may start off as a community of one until it builds to a community of two or three or more.
  4. Community need not be restricted to a specific place. With the advent of social media, online communities offer unique opportunities for connection. For example, coming from the northerly community that I do, most of my access to the gifted community (outside of the time I spend with my gifted students) is online or at the various conferences like the NAGC that I am able to attend.
  5. Don’t underestimate your de facto communities. Whether it is the neighbourhood you live in, where you work or the places you spend your free time, you may be surprised who and what you find when  you linger where the people gather. Wendell Berry writes: Community, I am beginning to understand, is made through a skill I have never learned or valued: the ability to pass time with people you do not and will not know well, talking about nothing in particular, with no end in mind, just to build trust, just to be sure of each other, just to be neighborly. A community is not something that you have, like a camcorder or a breakfast nook. No, it is something you do. And you have to do it all the time. When there is a fire or a flood or some kind of crisis or even just a BBQ, this  community is the one that may well surprise you the most.

We know that community is important, but finding it or creating it can be a challenge. Perhaps that is why this quote  by  Stendhal resonates so much with me: “One can acquire everything in solitude except character.”  We need communities not only for belonging, but also to challenge us to discover who we are and who we want to be. According to Dabrowski, this can be the source of much anxiety, but is also a very positive thing!

This blog is part of a blog hop community that will share many other perspectives on community if you follow this link or click on the graphic below!

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Giftedness and the Impact of Trauma

If you’re a news hound, it’s been a summer of scary news stories from all parts of the globe. My iPhone has made it really easy to find these stories as they emerge…just one swipe to the right and there it is…a deadly accident, acts of terrorism, an environmental disaster and wait…”First shot, new target, led the assault…” No worries. Just a metaphor for a story on pipeline negotiations but it got my attention.

If I’m not careful I can start to have a view of the world that not only frightens me but raises my anxiety levels as I wonder about the future for my children and the children that I work with. Friends tell me that there is a simple solution. Stop swiping to the right. Turn off the news when it pops up on the radio. Scroll over the headlines on FaceBook. And then go into your garden, hang out with your friends, go fishing and you will see that the amazing world we live in is still there. You can stop the trauma.

But even if I can turn away from it, should I?  I live and work in a world that demands I be present for a variety of reasons. For example, we know that gifted students can be traumatized by world events. For some, their sensitivities and tendencies toward deep thought and active imaginations can lead to vicarious traumatization. We need to be sensitive to this and look for ways to support them. (SENGifted.org has some great resources including these Tips for Helping Gifted, Highly Sensitive Teens and Children Cope with Trauma. )

But even more troubling this past year has been the number of children who have come across my radar who are dealing with first hand trauma and exhibiting signs of giftedness. Here’s what makes it especially difficult. Often the trauma is not fully disclosed or acknowledged by the parent so there is no therapeutic intervention as well as behaviours that come with no “explanation.” Another confounding problem is that in the classroom, these flight or fight responses may be interpreted as a behaviour issue and be addressed in behaviour plans that do not incorporate support for trauma. And finally the testing of children who are in a state of hyper-arousal is unreliable and therefore they may not be identified and given access to gifted support which can add yet another level of frustration.

In this article by Dr. Bruce Perry, Violence and Childhood, he writes that it is important to help traumatized children understand their traumatic responses to triggers as they may not feel in control and as a result create an negative internal dialogue: stupid, sick, irrational, bad… He also notes that it is important to offer them hope, which includes an image of a better future and a better world as well as the first hand knowledge that not all adults are unpredictable, inattentive, abusive or violent. Interactions matter and responding with respect, humour and flexibility can start the process of feeling valued. But that isn’t always easy. There is truth to the saying that the children who are the most difficult to love are the ones who need it the most.

The world is full of trauma whether we experience it directly or vicariously. Turning away can be another act of violence…we need to be there for the traumatized who are in our lives as well as those who need us to be aware of what is happening elsewhere in the world so we can make political, social and economic choices responsibly. There is a virtue that can help us with this and it is called detachment. It allows us to experience our feelings without allowing them to control us as well as let go of the things we cannot change. At the same time it gives us the wisdom and grace to be in the world and choose how we will act as opposed to react. You can learn more about the virtues here.

For more blogs about gifted social issues follow this link or click on the icon below.

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2016: Using the Virtues Project in meeting the Social/Emotional needs of Gifted Students

Over the past number of years I have been committed to learning and embedding the language of the virtues (The Virtues Project) into my professional and  personal life. At first it seemed like a simple enough task, after all, it isn’t as if I don’t already know the words. But it started out feeling very awkward to say the words “I see your determination,” or “Thank-you for your courtesy,” or “I need your self-discipline.”  I had become comfortable with short cuts like “Great job!” “Thanks!” and “Pay attention!” and to deviate from the auto-responses in an effort to really “see” the person, be present in the moment,  and most importantly to understand and acknowledge what I was seeing and needing meant that I had to change what I was looking for and who I needed to be to speak with authenticity.

But when you start looking for the virtues in the people around you, it really is like putting on a different set of “glasses” or lenses with which to see the world. Perfectionism can be redefined as idealism that requires an understanding of moderation and humility to fully blossom. Emotional over-sensitivities can be understood as empathy and compassion which may require an understanding of detachment to balance out how incredibly overwhelming they can feel. A temper tantrum can be transformed into learning how to balance commitment and determination with flexibility. In my mind, the value of using the virtues as part of a social/emotional curriculum for gifted learners cannot be understated. But it is not the kind of curriculum where each week you choose a virtue to study and learn. It is a daily search and acknowledgement for the virtues that are already there that need acknowledgement and/or cultivation.

This recent Ted Talk by my mentor in the Virtues Project, Christine Ayling, is a great place to get an introduction to what the project is all about as well as the five strategies in working with the virtues. In 2016 it is my goal to continue learning how to further develop the five strategies she talks about in my own life and practice as well as share some of those insights here. All the best to all of you in 2016!